The Only Thing We Have To Fear is…
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!
- And Democrats.
- Specifically Joe Biden and especially his son Hunter who did some stuff in Ukraine, worse than Hillary’s emails. Could you imagine if someone in my family profited from my presidency? Unbelievable.
- Ukraine is so corrupt it’s unbelievable.
- Not Russia though. I trust Putin. Believe me, I can tell by his handshake. He probably didn’t have any of his critics poisoned with chemical weapons. And if he did, they were probably fake news anyway!
- MBS, good guy. He didn’t have to put up with fake news saying nasty things about me.
- Steve Bannon, Roger Stone, Felix Sater. Isn’t it fantastic that so many felons and grifters have access to the Whitehouse. What a country!
- Kim Jong Un too. Good guy. Rocketman! Not like nasty Adam Schiff or Nancy Pelosi. Like I said before, it’s a lot easier to deal with Putin, Kim Jong Un and Xi than those Democrats. They’re phonier than Obama’s fake long form birth certificate.
- Back to Joe, the other day while being interviewed he said “bring it closer.” Obviously that means the fake news media is feeding him questions and answers via a teleprompter!
So in summary:
STUFF NOT TO FEAR!
- Russian subversion of our democracy: (My cabinet staff knows not to even mention it.) There was NO COLLUSION! Sure, I invited and welcomed Russia’s help in 2016 and again in 2020. And Roger Stone had some nice chats with Guccifer2.0 (the Wikileaks KGB guy) about the timing of Hillary’s email dump. That distracted voters from that Access Hollywood tape, my illegal Cuba investment and no one ever knew about Trump tower Moscow or porn star hush money until after the election. Nice save Vlad! ;-) They’ve also been very helpful in 2020 with their fake black Trump supporter troll bots. Fake black Trump supporters prove that voting for me doesn’t make you as racist as I am. Five stars for the help Vlad *****! But NO COLLUSION!
- Covid-19 (I like to call “the China Virus”): A deadly virus that affects elderly, veterans, children… and has killed 191,000 times as many Americans as Ebola and sickened many many more. Yeah, I know it’s five times worse than the flu, easy to spread through the air and my advisors tell me will be the greatest security threat of my presidency. (I downplayed this too. Didn’t want to create a panic like when Joe Biden TAKES AWAY YOUR GUNS and turns America socialist and destroys the stock market!!!)
- White supremacists (Very fine people): I know, I know, the department of homeland security and FBI says the KKK and Proud Boys and Nazis and others like them are bad but what do they know, they’re the deep state! So I told my staff to downplay that too. Yeah they’ve killed 175 Americans recently and throughout U.S. history they were responsible for more murders than any other terrorist organization, but they’re not as bad as ANTIFA who already killed 1 person! (Who happened to be himself.)
- Q-Anon: The deep state says they’re a dangerous terrorist organization too and they’re spreading disinformation that’s helping spread Covid-19 but they like me. And I hear they love our country! Incredible.
STUFF TO FEAR!
- Joe Biden: He’ll hurt God, destroy the economy and take away your guns!
- Players who kneel: during the national anthem. They say they do it to remind us that black Americans don’t have the freedoms and rights of the rest of us. But I know it’s really to show that they disrespect our country much more than presidents who call veterans “suckers” and “losers.”
- ANTIFA and anarchists: And BLM and Cory Booker destroying our wonderful suburbs.
- Socialism: Forget the TVA, CCC, Social Security, FDA, FEMA, Public Schools, FHA, VA, highways, roads, public water and sewers… and all of the other public utility my businesses have leveraged. Ignore those farm subsidies I brought in to compensate for the damage caused by my China tariffs or the fact that trade and budget deficits are much higher than they were under Obama.
- Ukraine, NAFTA, vans full of refugees from Guatemala and Honduras
- AOC and the squad: And Muslims.
- The Deep State!: All those people who hate me at the FDA, FBI, CIA, NSA, CDC, the U.S. post office.
- The Truth!
Disclaimer, the author can only speculate what goes on inside of the mind of the 45th president of the U.S. but it is no longer plausible to blame his dangerous leadership on ignorance.